Am I starting to become love's opponent??
Dayum, I hope not. In reading some of my previous blogs, I think I might be starting to be an opponent of of love. I don't seem to support it and even sound like a disbeliever at times. I do believe in it though.
Maybe it's that I don't believe in it for me. Maybe I've set up my walls so high and made them so strong that I'm turning cold. But I still care. I still want to see people close to me succeed and live happy lives. I still want the best for my son. I still want victims of the tsunami to be okay, especially the children. I still want my homies back on the block to be okay and the girls struggling to make ends meet to find the security they need for themselves and their children. I still want a lot of things that require compassion. Could it be that guy #1 isn't as drowned out as I'm hoping for him to be? Maybe guy #2 has those compassionate traits and I didn't know it. Maybe his only quarrel is with love. Maybe openness is his only enemy. Maybe I need to rethink guy #2's qualities or maybe, just maybe this is how guy #1 and guy #2 are merging ==> Compasion but without the chance of falling in love again.
I know that it's too early in my life to say that I will not fall again BUT I feel so strongly about not wanting to fall again, I want this so badly that I do believe it may be possible. Why is this such an issue in my life? If I truly didn't want to love again, then I'd be able to drop it with no problem. I guess cuz the future is full of so much uncertainty that I have to keep reminding myself in case I forget to keep fighting one day.
The tattoo that I have on my back, it means Keep Fighting in Chinese. I chose it months before I got it as a reminder to myself to keep fighting for what's good for me. It was supposed to act as a reminder that love exists and that I will one day be able to do it again (after my divorce); it's also a reminder of how I've proven to myself that I can accomplish anything despite any despair. Currently, however, I'm fighting against a strong emotional hold on anyone for self preservation and I would look at my tattoo in the mirror as a reminder of that ongoing battle, but I think it's original meaning is beginning to shine through it. I'm remembering why I initially had it put there... but what do I do? Which battle do I choose to fight?
I think I just need to drop all this bullshit inside me and just take it one day at a time. I should stop worrying and stop fighting it. I should just live my life and say to myself "If it happens then cool. If not, then that's just as cool." The problem is that falling in love is almost guaranteed for me and I don't want a guarantee on anything. I want my chances to be equal so that I feel both parties inside me have an equal opportunity at happiness. I assure you, guy #2 will not be happy if I settle down... he'll be furious and the torture he puts my mind through, the insecurities he brings out are so strong. He brings back to light the things I was told in school, my breakups, my personal and physical flaws, etc. Anything he can use against me he'll do it. Then I'll have to start fighting a new battle in which one side is striving for self acceptance and the relationship while the other is fighting for bachelorhood, emotional security, and self preservation of the heart. I think I just need time. I need time to let these two muhfukkas inside me chill. They've been fighting all my life and my single mind is tired of being the battle ground.
Maybe it's that I don't believe in it for me. Maybe I've set up my walls so high and made them so strong that I'm turning cold. But I still care. I still want to see people close to me succeed and live happy lives. I still want the best for my son. I still want victims of the tsunami to be okay, especially the children. I still want my homies back on the block to be okay and the girls struggling to make ends meet to find the security they need for themselves and their children. I still want a lot of things that require compassion. Could it be that guy #1 isn't as drowned out as I'm hoping for him to be? Maybe guy #2 has those compassionate traits and I didn't know it. Maybe his only quarrel is with love. Maybe openness is his only enemy. Maybe I need to rethink guy #2's qualities or maybe, just maybe this is how guy #1 and guy #2 are merging ==> Compasion but without the chance of falling in love again.
I know that it's too early in my life to say that I will not fall again BUT I feel so strongly about not wanting to fall again, I want this so badly that I do believe it may be possible. Why is this such an issue in my life? If I truly didn't want to love again, then I'd be able to drop it with no problem. I guess cuz the future is full of so much uncertainty that I have to keep reminding myself in case I forget to keep fighting one day.
The tattoo that I have on my back, it means Keep Fighting in Chinese. I chose it months before I got it as a reminder to myself to keep fighting for what's good for me. It was supposed to act as a reminder that love exists and that I will one day be able to do it again (after my divorce); it's also a reminder of how I've proven to myself that I can accomplish anything despite any despair. Currently, however, I'm fighting against a strong emotional hold on anyone for self preservation and I would look at my tattoo in the mirror as a reminder of that ongoing battle, but I think it's original meaning is beginning to shine through it. I'm remembering why I initially had it put there... but what do I do? Which battle do I choose to fight?
I think I just need to drop all this bullshit inside me and just take it one day at a time. I should stop worrying and stop fighting it. I should just live my life and say to myself "If it happens then cool. If not, then that's just as cool." The problem is that falling in love is almost guaranteed for me and I don't want a guarantee on anything. I want my chances to be equal so that I feel both parties inside me have an equal opportunity at happiness. I assure you, guy #2 will not be happy if I settle down... he'll be furious and the torture he puts my mind through, the insecurities he brings out are so strong. He brings back to light the things I was told in school, my breakups, my personal and physical flaws, etc. Anything he can use against me he'll do it. Then I'll have to start fighting a new battle in which one side is striving for self acceptance and the relationship while the other is fighting for bachelorhood, emotional security, and self preservation of the heart. I think I just need time. I need time to let these two muhfukkas inside me chill. They've been fighting all my life and my single mind is tired of being the battle ground.
The Saga was recounted at 11:47 AM
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