I got that feeling

Today as I drove home after picking up my son I got this feeling that I haven't felt in a very long time. I actually missed family life.

I used to be married to my son's mother and I remember going home to my family; I'd go home and my wife and I would hold each other in the middle of our living room. My son would then walk up to both of us and squeeze in between our legs so he could be part of the hug. My ex-wife and I would look down at his smiling face then we'd look at each other and kiss. I have to say I felt complete on those days. I had a home, a family, and I was comfortable. I'd eat the dinner that she'd prepared, then we'd play with our toddler son. Later on in the evening we'd put our son to bed and retreat to our bedroom and watch TV. When we started to get a little sleepy we'd start caressing each other, make love, and hold each other until we'd fall asleep. After we started having problems I began to miss my single life especially since she'd withdrawn herself so much from me. After she left and I realized she wasn't coming back, that feeling of comfort, of security disappeared. I've not felt it for almost 2 years now, not until this night. Ever since then and up until this very night I've been very comfortable with my single life; I've loved it. For some unexplainable reason however, I relapsed slightly into feeling those old feelings again. They weren't feelings of love for my ex-wife because I no longer love her nor do I miss her; she'd disrespected me entirely too much behind my back for me to trust her or feel safe with handing her my emotions. It's the feeling of closeness that I missed, the feeling of security.

I figured I'd document this feeling because it's rare that I cherish this feeling. In fact for almost two years I've been fighting it. I've learned that it's much more feasible that I depend solely on myself and to not trust anyone with my feelings ever since she left but I had to write about this. Whenever anyone would talk about wishing they'd have someone to go home to I'd always wonder why. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to come home to someone you trust fully. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to hold that special someone. I'd completely forgotten what it was like to make love to someone so special that you felt like you were merging as one when you were together intimately... and sometimes making love wasn't enough, you wanted to be in that person's soul to feel complete; you wanted to be that person. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to feel so complete, like everything was where it was supposed to be... like money didn't matter, like material things were obsolete, like there were no problems in the world, like all danger ceased to exist once you entered your home fortified with the shield of your family's love.

I don't know what was so special about tonight but I'm glad I felt what I felt because I'd almost forgotten how to cherish that feeling called love and in the security that it creates. It felt so warm to feel it again even though I no longer have it. I don't know what was so special about tonight... but maybe God just wanted to show me something. Maybe he wanted to save me just before I'd fallen out with that feeling He keeps saying we should cherish.