Make an impression... or not

The other night I was driving home and took an alternate route home, not far from my old neighborhood that I miss so much… despite it being ghetto-ish. I was at a red light and I looked over to my left and saw an attractive girl two lanes over. She looked back and smiled. Through our car windows and night air I mouthed “What’s up?” She waved her hands as if asking the same thing. I told her to pull over so we could talk. Again, with her hands she insinuated that she’d follow me. I was like cool. We pulled over to a convenient store parking lot and I got out to talk to her. She was very petite in figure which wasn’t bad, in fact she had nice proportions. She had a very pretty face and cute smile. I was definitely impressed. We made a little small talk and I found out she’s 22 and South American, from Guyana to be exact. She gave me her number and told me to call her later that night. Then we each went our separate way.

Well, I called her that night (like she asked) and left a message. She called me back the next night but I didn’t get to talk to her much because I had plans to go out and I had to get ready. I pretty much had to rush off the phone, which sucked. She mentioned that she wanted to talk later on but I was going to be out all night so I told her we’d speak the following day. After I hung up, however, I started to feel funny… I suppose regretful would be the best way to define it. I started to regret that I couldn’t talk to her much, that my convo didn’t make much sense because of having to rush. I didn't think it left a good impression in other words. The thing is, I haven’t cared about any of these things before. Usually I’m in a “They’ll accept me as I am or not at all” mood but I actually cared about how I came across this time. I can tell you that it wasn’t her that made me feel that way, at least not her personality or that I was sooo interested in her because I hardly know her. I think it’s because she’s a Latina. I think that made me want to put up that front where you watch what you say and watch how u act in order to make the best first impression.

I’m going to overcome this incident though because to be honest, I don’t want to put up a front for no woman. I want people to accept me for who I am and if something small I say determines my character to you then I say to you, “Be gone!!!” The reason I think I started to feel funny is because I hardly ever get to pull Latinas… me being Latino. I don’t know why I never pull in Latinas but it’s always bothered me because I love my Latinas, the other half of my culture. I consider myself an equal opportunity dater but I’ve stuck mostly with Black ladies. In fact, everyone, including myself, freaked out when I ended up marrying my ex-wife, a Puerto Rican. Regardless, I’ve loved dating Black women. They’ve treated me so damn well, I swear. It’s not about gifts or anything, it’s about the encouraging things they’ve said, the support they’ve given me whenever I’ve strived to accomplish great things, the looks of passion they’ve given me when infatuation has hit us both, the ways they’ve holla’d at me when they’ve become interested in me, their different skin tones, the strength they’ve shown when holding their hectic lives down, their different ways of expressing themselves, the creative ways they’ve articulated their love for their ethnicity and culture, and their ability to adapt and overcome whenever life has thrown them impossible obstacles. They’ve always been beautiful to me in so many ways. However I can’t help but to feel disconnected from my culture, despite how in touch I am with it, simply because I can never get a Latina to date me. In the past, this topic would even depress me because I’d wonder, what’s wrong with me? Why don’t my own women want me? Why don’t they cherish me the same way I’m willing to cherish them? Eventually I just gave up and accepted that they’d never like me. Anyway, now that one has holla’d at me, it’s like something inside me said to take it easy, play your cards a little extra careful… even though I don’t know her. I guess it’s that I want to at least have a chance at this rare occasion; after all, I don’t get to bond with a woman of the same culture as me often, much less bond intimately. I guess it can be comparable to when a Black person dates a White person; they start to feel a little uncomfortable in public, feel a small disconnection due to not being able to discuss race related issues regarding your people, etc. I’m going to let go of this thinking though…

The fact is I have to treat every woman the same. I have to be fair. I have to expect the same kind of respect from every woman I date and if a woman decides that I’m not worth much effort then quite frankly she’s not either, regardless of whether she’s “my kind” or not. As far as the chica I recently met, I don’t expect for her to be too interested, to be honest. Maybe she was just a little tipsy or felt a little extra flirtatious that night but I’m NOT going to give her any extra special treatment. Maybe we’ll start kicking it, maybe not. Either way I’m going to stick to my level of self respect and I will expect the same level of respect from her, if she’s not interested then oh well. There will be others.