The Inner Battle
Although I keep saying I want my life completely detached from anyone, I guess I mean it only so much. What tells me this is the fact that I can't let go of Diggs completely. If I truly wanted it, I'd leave behind all emotional attachments...
...but she's so damn special. It's her artistic ways. She talks a little bit differently than she writes and I like that because it's like seeing two different people or like seeing a hidden talent that you don't see in person. It's holding her. I enjoy having her in my arms; I like engulfing her small frame and rubbing her well shaped arms. It's her tattoo. I love seeing the little tribute to her mom permanently painted on her back; it shows me a love between a mother and daughter that I don't think I've ever seen in anyone else. It's her burstful laughter whenever I say something comical over the phone. It sounds so rich, so humorous, and so full of life. It's her smartass remarks. She never fails to crack me up whenever she says something to counter something stupid someone has said... including myself. It's her intellect. We sometimes get so deep in conversation that I start to feel like we're philosphers trying to figure out the secrets of the human spirit. Finally, it's the way she looks at me when I play the guitar for her. She looks like she's being touched in such a sensual manner that no human hand can come remotely close to the power of my guitar strings; I can feel her heart melting in my hands with every note I play. If it weren't for personal insecurities and some things I'm trying to work out in my life and mind, I swear, I'd be deeply in love with Diggs by now... but I gotta keep myself in check because I'm not ready for anything remotely close to that right now.
The inner battle is created when the side of me that does NOT like the drama of emotional attachments comes out. It looks over all the beautiful things I feel and counter-balances them with the potential drama that can/WILL arise in any relationship. Guy #2 comes out and just fucks it all up for everyone. The fact is I don't have any patience for a relationship. When he kicks in, I end up getting agitated very easily once I've been around someone too long. I get agitated when they start demanding more things from me. I dislike when they start expecting things like phone calls at certain times or everyday. I hate it when I want to be alone and quiet and they keep asking "Whats wrong?" over and over and over. I hate having someone over my shoulder all the time asking me what I'm doing, where am I going, who am I going to be with, when will I be back, etc. I want to have liberty to do what I want and be free from interrogation. The reason I sometimes prefer to be looked at as a fling partner is because when a woman sees a man as such, rather than a commitment partner, she doesn't ask many questions and just accepts things as they are... for the most part.
Well, I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I seem to feel things that turn to words, that turn to actions and they enwrap whatever special girl is in my life at that time. Next thing I know, I want to drop it all because I start to feel bound by relationship like symptoms. I don't know. Maybe I'm one of them niggas that just likes drama in his life cuz making a girl feel like she's the only woman in the world, then letting fear kick in and dropping everything... that isn't a good combination... and it brings the same drama to my life that I'm trying to avoid.
...but she's so damn special. It's her artistic ways. She talks a little bit differently than she writes and I like that because it's like seeing two different people or like seeing a hidden talent that you don't see in person. It's holding her. I enjoy having her in my arms; I like engulfing her small frame and rubbing her well shaped arms. It's her tattoo. I love seeing the little tribute to her mom permanently painted on her back; it shows me a love between a mother and daughter that I don't think I've ever seen in anyone else. It's her burstful laughter whenever I say something comical over the phone. It sounds so rich, so humorous, and so full of life. It's her smartass remarks. She never fails to crack me up whenever she says something to counter something stupid someone has said... including myself. It's her intellect. We sometimes get so deep in conversation that I start to feel like we're philosphers trying to figure out the secrets of the human spirit. Finally, it's the way she looks at me when I play the guitar for her. She looks like she's being touched in such a sensual manner that no human hand can come remotely close to the power of my guitar strings; I can feel her heart melting in my hands with every note I play. If it weren't for personal insecurities and some things I'm trying to work out in my life and mind, I swear, I'd be deeply in love with Diggs by now... but I gotta keep myself in check because I'm not ready for anything remotely close to that right now.
The inner battle is created when the side of me that does NOT like the drama of emotional attachments comes out. It looks over all the beautiful things I feel and counter-balances them with the potential drama that can/WILL arise in any relationship. Guy #2 comes out and just fucks it all up for everyone. The fact is I don't have any patience for a relationship. When he kicks in, I end up getting agitated very easily once I've been around someone too long. I get agitated when they start demanding more things from me. I dislike when they start expecting things like phone calls at certain times or everyday. I hate it when I want to be alone and quiet and they keep asking "Whats wrong?" over and over and over. I hate having someone over my shoulder all the time asking me what I'm doing, where am I going, who am I going to be with, when will I be back, etc. I want to have liberty to do what I want and be free from interrogation. The reason I sometimes prefer to be looked at as a fling partner is because when a woman sees a man as such, rather than a commitment partner, she doesn't ask many questions and just accepts things as they are... for the most part.
Well, I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I seem to feel things that turn to words, that turn to actions and they enwrap whatever special girl is in my life at that time. Next thing I know, I want to drop it all because I start to feel bound by relationship like symptoms. I don't know. Maybe I'm one of them niggas that just likes drama in his life cuz making a girl feel like she's the only woman in the world, then letting fear kick in and dropping everything... that isn't a good combination... and it brings the same drama to my life that I'm trying to avoid.
The Saga was recounted at 12:01 PM
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