What's the worst that could happen?
The origins of guy #1 and guy #2...
Guy #2: Even as a child, I've always been drawn to violence. Rambo, Terminator, Commando, the military, gangs, all that shit. I'm sure that laid a foundation for guy #2. I lived with my mom in a pretty run down neighborhood when I first came back to the U.S. around the age of 5 (I was born here but sent to Honduras soon after to live with my grandmother while my parents got divorced and my mother stabilized herself). The elementary school I attended was full of poor children from neighboring run down beighborhoods or ghettos. We all wore cheap K-Mart clothes and Payless shoes. At around 11 I moved in with my dad cuz he lived in a nicer neighborhood and shit but he didn't upgrade my clothing. I was still wearing that cheap shit, even when it was time to get me new clothes. All the kids in that neighborhood, however, "shopped at Dillard's", a somewhat pricey clothing store. On top of that, my dad bought me clothes that fit just right at the beginning of the year and that was it. As I grew, that clothes got all tight and shit but he refused to buy more. So I'd be going to school with the tightest fukkin clothes on looking like a goddamn cowboy with stranglers on and shit. I'd be coming home with all kinda marks on my waist and shit from the pants being too tight. You can guess that I got made fun of like a muthafukka with all that cheap, tight shit on. At first I ignored it but it got to the point that almost all the kids were fukkin with me. Even the girls were fukkin with me. Ladies, did you ever tap a female friend of urs and point to the ugliest kid in the back of the class and say, "There go ur boyfriend!!" while the other girl would scream "Shutup!!" in disgust? Well, I was that kid they pointed to. I hated my new neighborhood and the new school. At least in my old neighborhood I could fit into the poverty. Well, around 12 I'd go home and cry and shit cuz I had to put up with shit like that all day. Eventually I started hating myself beyond belief and I started taking razors and cutting myself and shit. I didn't know why I did it back then but recently I thought about that shit and I figured that I must have hated myself so much for being ugly that I needed to punish myself for being what I couldn't help. I was 12 and my mind was fukked up and that was the only way I knew how to deal with it. By the age of 13 I contemplated suicide. A few times I started cutting away at my wrists with the razor but I aint gonna lie... THAT SHIT HURT!!! I feel pretty sure though that if I would have had a gun accessible to me at that time, I wouldn't be here today. Over time, that depression turned to anger and I remained secluded. I lost weight and shit and my looks became more acceptable but my head was still fukked up. That violence that I was attracted to, I drew on that shit. It fed the anger that remained inside me. Gangs started to take over my neighborhood along with drugs and guns. I got my first gun at the age of 15 for $35 from a friend (and I've been packin ever since). I got to hangin with sum Latinos in the Latin Kings and had sum niggas that were part of the 5.9 Bloods back in my mom's neighborhood. I fell deep into that shit afterwards. I finally had some friends, and not only did they not fukk with me but they'd kill for me... and I'd kill for them. I'd kill 3 times over for my niggas back then because I appreciated them being my homies so much. All the clowning we did, along with blunt smokin' and beer drinkin' drowned away all the ridicule and helped me forget all the times I'd gone home and cried. Those days were finally behind me. In fact, whenever the new, aggressive me thought about those times, I hated who I'd been back then. Thus began my hatred for the soft side of me. Time passed, friends died or went to jail, and things happened and eventually I left that life behind. I learned the streets very well though and that life sheltered me from the ridicule that had previously driven me to depression. The mentality that I gained from that life is very aggressive and provided me with the confidence I'd never had before. It was a time where nobody could fukk with me... finally, nobody could fukk with me... cuz I was an angry muthafukka with a gun. I'm grateful for having experienced the streets cuz they saved me from the downward spiral that my sanity was sinking into. Fast forwarding through the years, I gained some balance and am no longer like that (for the most part) but remnants remain and I find myself still depending on that aggression for confidence.
Guy #1: I think deep down inside I've always know what's right and I'd always tried to follow that feeling. I placed myself in other people's shoes in order to be more understanding. Guy #1 was the person I was going to become had I not experienced some of the things I encountered. So I guess you can say he's always been there, from the day I was born. As a child I was always very considerate and grateful for anyone's kindness. I respected authority and even looked up to it. I looked up to policemen, military men, etc. I was always apologetic for any mistakes I'd made, very shy, and soft spoken. I could be made to cry easily and almost never standing up for myself whenever I'd be bullied... and I was bullied quite a bit. Socially I wasn't very good on my toes so if someone would start jonin' me I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I was always scared, scared, scared. As a man, this side is still always grateful for what I have though. I find myself to be a happy person and it's very hard to get on my bad side. Even rush hour traffic doesn't get to me when guy #1 prevails. this side of me learned how to be a father by taking pieces of all the fathers I'd see, especially within my family, and combining them to make one "Super Dad", the type of father I strive to be. I'd see how so many White kids had happy homes with both parents and shit and I'd wish so hard that I could have that type of family. From there, I was able to determine the type of husband I wanted to be. I was going to be considerate of my wife, I was going to love her, be faithful to her, respect her, and honor her as my woman. I was going to do half the chores and pick up her slack when she'd be tired. I wanted to provide her with the security she deserved. I wanted my wife to love and respect me. I wanted her to be a happy woman and grateful that she had me. That's what I determined every woman wanted so when I finally did get married I tried very hard to be that man. I gave up selling drugs, curbed the cursing, stopped smokin weed, and did my best to be that honorable man. I avoided conflicts because I felt they were unnecessary risks, afterall, I had a wife and son now. I completely did away with guy #2.
My ex and I didn't plan on getting married. We had an unplanned pregnancy and her family pressured us into marriage. We figured we'd get married, have the baby, and just get divorced... but we fell in love, so we stayed married. I eventually thought that my son was no accident. My ex and I were very much in love so I began to feel that God himself had hand picked her with his golden hand and made it so that we'd end up together. We had our rough times because I was still in college and hardly making any money at my job even though I was working around 50 hours a week. We never got to go out or anything because of work and school but we were making it. We were married 3 and a half years and graduation was only one semester away and she asked for a divorce and moved out of the house. I asked her to wait for me just a few more months until I graduated but she couldn't take it anymore, not even for just a few more months. She was abandoning me. My last semester was the hardest semester in my curriculum. I'd had the hardest professors for almost all my classes so I had to study harder then ever, I was hardly making any money so I was forced to work more because I'd been left with all the bills, my almost perfect credit was dropping because of the bills we'd accumulated together, and I wasn't seeing my son as much as I had before. To add to all this, for her own reasons, my ex wanted the divorce to go through quicker than the state's 6 month waiting period so she started pressuring me to say that I'd committed adultery (even though I hadn't) because that nullified the waiting period. What tripped me out was, she already had a boyfriend just one month after she'd left. Anyway, I told her she was just going to have to wait because I didn't want to give her the upperhand in court. She got pissed off and started threatening to tell the judge to make a ruling to sell my house so she could get her half of the equity, which happens in most divorces. On top of that, she became angry when she found out I'd started dating and argued with me about any and everything. Then, in the heat of her anger because things weren't going her way, she started to threaten to take full custody of my son. My son, the light that gave me life and helped me grow, my inspiration and greatest source of motivation was going to be taken from me. He was pure love to me and nothing but pure love radiated from me when he was born. He was my king, my blessing from God. He was my source of life and she was going to take him from me, my greatest gift from God. On top of that, she threatened to put me on child support, even though I'd volunteered to pay all his daycare expenses and half of all his other expenses. I knew she'd have more power in court simply because she was a woman and I'd known men that had their children used against them in court and because of their gender they lost. When it comes to divorce, the court and financial systems truly show that marriage is a big risk. I was scared beyond belief. I was going to have no home, no money even after graduation, and worst of all, I was no longer going to have a son... all of this happening my last semester of college, the hardest semester of my life.
As I'd stated earlier, I'd gotten very secure in the man I'd become after marriage. My childhood ridiculing, the wishes of death, my insecurities were all behind me. Somehow, however, the divorce triggered all of them and brought them back to life. I remember asking her, "What is it about him that I'm not doing for you?" in regards to her new boyfriend. She told me the worst words a family man who'd sacrificed so much for his family could hear: "He shows me a good time." I'd studied so much, I mean so damn much; worked so much, I mean so damn much; I'd given up my life to support two people, to be the man I thought every woman wanted in a husband, to be the man I heard every woman say they wished for and for what? To be left for a man that had no plans for the future, a man that only wanted the same thing she wanted: to have a good time. I spoke to all my female friends about this and one said something that made complete sense: I think a lot of women know what's right for them but they go for what they want instead. I went right back to feeling like that ugly little kid. From this point on guy #2 took over and stronger than ever. All the pain had made him grow into a giant beast and as he looked down on me like a giant Demon dripping in blood of resentment, he told me that it was all my fault. All the pain I had endured was all my fault. I'd become a pussy ass nigga who sacrificed too much and given too much, too much of my money, my heart, and my soul. I'd trusted too much, had too much faith and that's why I was on my knees succumbing to the pain. I should have guarded myself more. Deep down I knew that it wasn't my fault she left. We were going through the problems that every marriage goes through and I was dealing with it as best I could. I'd made a few mistakes here and there, just as she had but I was still willing to work it through. I couldn't help but to feel responsible though; I just couldn't because I kept asking myself "What could I have done better?" and I kept pointing at my flaws, my human flaws. As time passed, and as I healed guy #2 soaked my brain with poisons to prevent me from trusting someone with so much of my being and he shielded my heart to limit the amount of love that would enter it or leave it. He does a better job than guy #1 in guarding me; that's why he has more say so in my life.
My confidence had been shot down completely and I started feeling as ugly as I did when I was a kid so I hit the gym with intensity. I felt weak again, so I toughened up and guarded myself completely. I went back to sleeping around but this time more than I'd ever before to rebuild my confidence. The gym, the guarding of my feelings, the sleeping around have all been tools to help me run away from that ugly little kid. Every ounce of guy #1 that would shine through I fought it as much as I could. I realize now that he is pretty strong inside me but the one thing he can't control is the poison that still runs through my system and the shield around my heart. I still can't fully trust and my faith in a loving, faithful relationship is almost nonexistent. One could argue "Not all women are like that" and I know that, but how do I know which woman is and which isn't? "No guts, no glory?" True, but one never knows how someone will act during a divorce until that person reaches that point and I will NOT risk finding out. There is no glory in love when the risk is losing my child and everything that I've worked so hard for. My fear that history might repeat itself is more than enough incentive to prevent me from committing again. The hurt that I felt when I was being threatened with my son outweighs the benefits of any woman's love. Never had I been more scared than when I thought I was going to lose my son and never have I been more inconvenienced than after I suffered all the financial problems due to the divorce. That is why I will hold any woman "at arms length". That is why I'm afraid to "do that shit again if I know it could fill that hollow spot". That is why I will live my life "half full". If I get married and have another child, and if it doesn't work out and that child gets taken away from me then my life will feel completely empty and it's just not worth that risk. I can overcome any woman leaving me. The pain of a woman leaving me is only temporary and I don't fear that at all, not one bit. The pain of losing a child, of knowing that he or she is growing up without me, and to always be left to wonder if they are truly doing fine... that is a pain that I could never overcome. Not being allowed in my child's life is the worst that could happen.
Guy #2: Even as a child, I've always been drawn to violence. Rambo, Terminator, Commando, the military, gangs, all that shit. I'm sure that laid a foundation for guy #2. I lived with my mom in a pretty run down neighborhood when I first came back to the U.S. around the age of 5 (I was born here but sent to Honduras soon after to live with my grandmother while my parents got divorced and my mother stabilized herself). The elementary school I attended was full of poor children from neighboring run down beighborhoods or ghettos. We all wore cheap K-Mart clothes and Payless shoes. At around 11 I moved in with my dad cuz he lived in a nicer neighborhood and shit but he didn't upgrade my clothing. I was still wearing that cheap shit, even when it was time to get me new clothes. All the kids in that neighborhood, however, "shopped at Dillard's", a somewhat pricey clothing store. On top of that, my dad bought me clothes that fit just right at the beginning of the year and that was it. As I grew, that clothes got all tight and shit but he refused to buy more. So I'd be going to school with the tightest fukkin clothes on looking like a goddamn cowboy with stranglers on and shit. I'd be coming home with all kinda marks on my waist and shit from the pants being too tight. You can guess that I got made fun of like a muthafukka with all that cheap, tight shit on. At first I ignored it but it got to the point that almost all the kids were fukkin with me. Even the girls were fukkin with me. Ladies, did you ever tap a female friend of urs and point to the ugliest kid in the back of the class and say, "There go ur boyfriend!!" while the other girl would scream "Shutup!!" in disgust? Well, I was that kid they pointed to. I hated my new neighborhood and the new school. At least in my old neighborhood I could fit into the poverty. Well, around 12 I'd go home and cry and shit cuz I had to put up with shit like that all day. Eventually I started hating myself beyond belief and I started taking razors and cutting myself and shit. I didn't know why I did it back then but recently I thought about that shit and I figured that I must have hated myself so much for being ugly that I needed to punish myself for being what I couldn't help. I was 12 and my mind was fukked up and that was the only way I knew how to deal with it. By the age of 13 I contemplated suicide. A few times I started cutting away at my wrists with the razor but I aint gonna lie... THAT SHIT HURT!!! I feel pretty sure though that if I would have had a gun accessible to me at that time, I wouldn't be here today. Over time, that depression turned to anger and I remained secluded. I lost weight and shit and my looks became more acceptable but my head was still fukked up. That violence that I was attracted to, I drew on that shit. It fed the anger that remained inside me. Gangs started to take over my neighborhood along with drugs and guns. I got my first gun at the age of 15 for $35 from a friend (and I've been packin ever since). I got to hangin with sum Latinos in the Latin Kings and had sum niggas that were part of the 5.9 Bloods back in my mom's neighborhood. I fell deep into that shit afterwards. I finally had some friends, and not only did they not fukk with me but they'd kill for me... and I'd kill for them. I'd kill 3 times over for my niggas back then because I appreciated them being my homies so much. All the clowning we did, along with blunt smokin' and beer drinkin' drowned away all the ridicule and helped me forget all the times I'd gone home and cried. Those days were finally behind me. In fact, whenever the new, aggressive me thought about those times, I hated who I'd been back then. Thus began my hatred for the soft side of me. Time passed, friends died or went to jail, and things happened and eventually I left that life behind. I learned the streets very well though and that life sheltered me from the ridicule that had previously driven me to depression. The mentality that I gained from that life is very aggressive and provided me with the confidence I'd never had before. It was a time where nobody could fukk with me... finally, nobody could fukk with me... cuz I was an angry muthafukka with a gun. I'm grateful for having experienced the streets cuz they saved me from the downward spiral that my sanity was sinking into. Fast forwarding through the years, I gained some balance and am no longer like that (for the most part) but remnants remain and I find myself still depending on that aggression for confidence.
Guy #1: I think deep down inside I've always know what's right and I'd always tried to follow that feeling. I placed myself in other people's shoes in order to be more understanding. Guy #1 was the person I was going to become had I not experienced some of the things I encountered. So I guess you can say he's always been there, from the day I was born. As a child I was always very considerate and grateful for anyone's kindness. I respected authority and even looked up to it. I looked up to policemen, military men, etc. I was always apologetic for any mistakes I'd made, very shy, and soft spoken. I could be made to cry easily and almost never standing up for myself whenever I'd be bullied... and I was bullied quite a bit. Socially I wasn't very good on my toes so if someone would start jonin' me I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I was always scared, scared, scared. As a man, this side is still always grateful for what I have though. I find myself to be a happy person and it's very hard to get on my bad side. Even rush hour traffic doesn't get to me when guy #1 prevails. this side of me learned how to be a father by taking pieces of all the fathers I'd see, especially within my family, and combining them to make one "Super Dad", the type of father I strive to be. I'd see how so many White kids had happy homes with both parents and shit and I'd wish so hard that I could have that type of family. From there, I was able to determine the type of husband I wanted to be. I was going to be considerate of my wife, I was going to love her, be faithful to her, respect her, and honor her as my woman. I was going to do half the chores and pick up her slack when she'd be tired. I wanted to provide her with the security she deserved. I wanted my wife to love and respect me. I wanted her to be a happy woman and grateful that she had me. That's what I determined every woman wanted so when I finally did get married I tried very hard to be that man. I gave up selling drugs, curbed the cursing, stopped smokin weed, and did my best to be that honorable man. I avoided conflicts because I felt they were unnecessary risks, afterall, I had a wife and son now. I completely did away with guy #2.
My ex and I didn't plan on getting married. We had an unplanned pregnancy and her family pressured us into marriage. We figured we'd get married, have the baby, and just get divorced... but we fell in love, so we stayed married. I eventually thought that my son was no accident. My ex and I were very much in love so I began to feel that God himself had hand picked her with his golden hand and made it so that we'd end up together. We had our rough times because I was still in college and hardly making any money at my job even though I was working around 50 hours a week. We never got to go out or anything because of work and school but we were making it. We were married 3 and a half years and graduation was only one semester away and she asked for a divorce and moved out of the house. I asked her to wait for me just a few more months until I graduated but she couldn't take it anymore, not even for just a few more months. She was abandoning me. My last semester was the hardest semester in my curriculum. I'd had the hardest professors for almost all my classes so I had to study harder then ever, I was hardly making any money so I was forced to work more because I'd been left with all the bills, my almost perfect credit was dropping because of the bills we'd accumulated together, and I wasn't seeing my son as much as I had before. To add to all this, for her own reasons, my ex wanted the divorce to go through quicker than the state's 6 month waiting period so she started pressuring me to say that I'd committed adultery (even though I hadn't) because that nullified the waiting period. What tripped me out was, she already had a boyfriend just one month after she'd left. Anyway, I told her she was just going to have to wait because I didn't want to give her the upperhand in court. She got pissed off and started threatening to tell the judge to make a ruling to sell my house so she could get her half of the equity, which happens in most divorces. On top of that, she became angry when she found out I'd started dating and argued with me about any and everything. Then, in the heat of her anger because things weren't going her way, she started to threaten to take full custody of my son. My son, the light that gave me life and helped me grow, my inspiration and greatest source of motivation was going to be taken from me. He was pure love to me and nothing but pure love radiated from me when he was born. He was my king, my blessing from God. He was my source of life and she was going to take him from me, my greatest gift from God. On top of that, she threatened to put me on child support, even though I'd volunteered to pay all his daycare expenses and half of all his other expenses. I knew she'd have more power in court simply because she was a woman and I'd known men that had their children used against them in court and because of their gender they lost. When it comes to divorce, the court and financial systems truly show that marriage is a big risk. I was scared beyond belief. I was going to have no home, no money even after graduation, and worst of all, I was no longer going to have a son... all of this happening my last semester of college, the hardest semester of my life.
As I'd stated earlier, I'd gotten very secure in the man I'd become after marriage. My childhood ridiculing, the wishes of death, my insecurities were all behind me. Somehow, however, the divorce triggered all of them and brought them back to life. I remember asking her, "What is it about him that I'm not doing for you?" in regards to her new boyfriend. She told me the worst words a family man who'd sacrificed so much for his family could hear: "He shows me a good time." I'd studied so much, I mean so damn much; worked so much, I mean so damn much; I'd given up my life to support two people, to be the man I thought every woman wanted in a husband, to be the man I heard every woman say they wished for and for what? To be left for a man that had no plans for the future, a man that only wanted the same thing she wanted: to have a good time. I spoke to all my female friends about this and one said something that made complete sense: I think a lot of women know what's right for them but they go for what they want instead. I went right back to feeling like that ugly little kid. From this point on guy #2 took over and stronger than ever. All the pain had made him grow into a giant beast and as he looked down on me like a giant Demon dripping in blood of resentment, he told me that it was all my fault. All the pain I had endured was all my fault. I'd become a pussy ass nigga who sacrificed too much and given too much, too much of my money, my heart, and my soul. I'd trusted too much, had too much faith and that's why I was on my knees succumbing to the pain. I should have guarded myself more. Deep down I knew that it wasn't my fault she left. We were going through the problems that every marriage goes through and I was dealing with it as best I could. I'd made a few mistakes here and there, just as she had but I was still willing to work it through. I couldn't help but to feel responsible though; I just couldn't because I kept asking myself "What could I have done better?" and I kept pointing at my flaws, my human flaws. As time passed, and as I healed guy #2 soaked my brain with poisons to prevent me from trusting someone with so much of my being and he shielded my heart to limit the amount of love that would enter it or leave it. He does a better job than guy #1 in guarding me; that's why he has more say so in my life.
My confidence had been shot down completely and I started feeling as ugly as I did when I was a kid so I hit the gym with intensity. I felt weak again, so I toughened up and guarded myself completely. I went back to sleeping around but this time more than I'd ever before to rebuild my confidence. The gym, the guarding of my feelings, the sleeping around have all been tools to help me run away from that ugly little kid. Every ounce of guy #1 that would shine through I fought it as much as I could. I realize now that he is pretty strong inside me but the one thing he can't control is the poison that still runs through my system and the shield around my heart. I still can't fully trust and my faith in a loving, faithful relationship is almost nonexistent. One could argue "Not all women are like that" and I know that, but how do I know which woman is and which isn't? "No guts, no glory?" True, but one never knows how someone will act during a divorce until that person reaches that point and I will NOT risk finding out. There is no glory in love when the risk is losing my child and everything that I've worked so hard for. My fear that history might repeat itself is more than enough incentive to prevent me from committing again. The hurt that I felt when I was being threatened with my son outweighs the benefits of any woman's love. Never had I been more scared than when I thought I was going to lose my son and never have I been more inconvenienced than after I suffered all the financial problems due to the divorce. That is why I will hold any woman "at arms length". That is why I'm afraid to "do that shit again if I know it could fill that hollow spot". That is why I will live my life "half full". If I get married and have another child, and if it doesn't work out and that child gets taken away from me then my life will feel completely empty and it's just not worth that risk. I can overcome any woman leaving me. The pain of a woman leaving me is only temporary and I don't fear that at all, not one bit. The pain of losing a child, of knowing that he or she is growing up without me, and to always be left to wonder if they are truly doing fine... that is a pain that I could never overcome. Not being allowed in my child's life is the worst that could happen.
The Saga was recounted at 11:22 AM
0 Narrated Prose:
Post a Comment
<< Home