I've been betrayed
I feel a bit hung over right now. After I found out that someone I'd been dating for well over a year had been lying to me I decided to take down a few glasses of Jack and Coke. I might not go into complete detail because the story is more complicated than I care to explain. Here goes…
Around December of 2003, while I was separated from my wife I met someone that I found some interest in. She and I got off to a slow start because I was in the process of a divorce and I wasn’t going to want anything serious for a long time. Well, we ended up getting pretty close. I still dated other girls because of my not wanting to commit but I let her know of that. She kept saying she wanted a relationship with me but I kept turning that idea down; I mean she reeeeally wanted one with me. She kept saying how special I was, how I was the man of her dreams, etc. Eventually I felt close enough to her to get into a relationship and the summer of 2004 I asked her to be my girlfriend, by then I was already divorced. She was ecstatic. That commitment lasted only 2 months. She’d accidentally left her cell phone at my house one night and during a rush of my insecurities I looked through her text messages and call log. It turned out that she’d texted her ex-boyfriend and said that she still loved him and some other guy that she said she’d had a crush on some time back when they’d worked together but all that was over. It was just a little crush that had subsided before she and I even got committed, according to her. The text to him said something along the lines of “What’s up, baby?” and “Ha ha, you know I wore you out the last time.” I was fuckin’ furious. I was able to piece only some of the conversations together from her outgoing and incoming logs but it was enough for me to have enough evidence of her lying to me. The crush guy, it turned out he was married and shit but had all kinda single and married women at work chasing him for affairs and shit and he’d cheat quite often. When she'd started the job he set his sights on her. According to her, he was attractive and shit but she wanted to be with me so she just ignored his advances. Well, when I presented the text messages to her she told me that it was just some bullshit thing to get some other woman off his back at work; they’d just pretended to be messing around through text messages to show the woman at his job that he was already messing with someone else, but she swore damn near on her life that nothing had ever happened between the both of them. As far as telling the ex that she still loved him, she said she was trying to sweet talk him so she could get some money he owed her. I broke off the relationship because I didn’t trust her word no matter how much she swore she didn’t do anything with them. Me being caught up in my emotions with her, I completely ignored enough of that shit to at least continue dating her without commitment. She told me she’d prove to me that she was trust worthy. Another thing that had killed me was that one day I was at her place and I saw a whole bunch of pictures in the trash can. I was like damn, I wonder why she’s throwing them pictures away. I took a look at them and they were a bunch of pictures of niggas she used to mess with… NAKED!!!! I was like “WHAT THA FFFUUUCKK?!!!” Now, the fact that they were in the trash can told me that she was moving on from them but the fact that she’d kept all those pictures during our commitment told me that she’d not moved on from her flings even while we were committed. She said that she’d hid them long ago and that she’d come across them so she decided to throw them away. Okay, I can actually believe that cuz that has actually happened to me. The thing that bugged me was that some of the guys in the pics, she told me she’d never been with them, yet there were pictures of her hugging and kissing one of them at some party and then some after party pics of him in his bedroom completely undressed… but she’d never slept with him. Gimme a fuckin break. Then there was the case of her cousin. At the beginning of us dating she told me about some random convo she’d had with some guy and I asked her who he was to her. She said he was nobody important, he was just her cousin. I accepted it and was like okay. Recently, however, I ran into him through someone else and I asked him about her and he said that they’d met through BlackPlanet and that they weren’t related AND that they’d slept together before as a little fling. After their fling, when they became just friends, he’d even helped her out with some issues. I knew of how he’d helped her out through what she told me but according to her they’d never done anything because they were cousins. I found out that that was her bullshit line to her ex-boyfriend whenever she had male friends; she’d tell him they were her cousins to avoid drama. So how could I believe she wasn’t telling me the same bullshit story?
All of this gets much, much more complicated than what I’ve told you, trust me. I don’t know why I ignored my gut feeling to begin with. Maybe it’s because she and I connected so much on certain issues and my feelings got too caught up. Maybe it was because after my divorce I wanted to believe that I could find someone to love me strongly again. See, although she lied I do believe that she loved me. She was simply scared of losing me to the truth or maybe I was just some other nigga she was gonna play but realized I was a keeper so she tried covering up her tracks with lies on top of lies because the truth was too overbearing to overcome. Anyway, I won’t ignore my gut feeling anymore
Although I’m moving on from her and this situation, a new problem arises. Meeting her a few months after my separation and going through this shit after I’d put so much trust in her has left my faith completely fucked up. I wasn’t in the best condition to get so involved with someone and then finding out how I’d been lied to by this broad puts me in a condition worse then when my ex-wife decided to leave me. I’d fought so many ghosts from my past and so many insecurities to be with this broad. I made some bullshit mistakes here and there during the relationship but I tried to stay as honest as I could. I still don’t think I deserved this. Maybe I just ran into and put too much faith in the wrong person at a very bad time, making this just another bad relationship that I have to overcome but in all honesty, this is enough to make me stay single. I've been exposed enough to women's greed with wanting niggas on the side enough in my life. I’ve never been a big fan of commitment (except when I was deep into my marriage) and this drama that I’ve gone through makes me an even bigger opponent of commitment. I understand that I have to get over this and move on but I just don’t see why I have to commit. I’ll move on but as a permanent bachelor.
This has been a learning experience however. I’ve met countless, literally countless women who have been fed bullshit stories by their men but they ignore what their guts tell them and they keep trying to have faith in those men. Often this is caused by love’s blindness. I have a much, much greater understanding of their plight now. This will be added to the many lessons I’ve learned regarding the things women go through in relationships. Unfortunately, however, instead of using these lessons to become a better mate for a woman, I’m using these lessons to keep me from ever committing again. This is due to the feeling that betrayal causes. It’s just too much pain for me to want to endure. There is one sigh of relief however; I no longer have to deal with the insecurities that come with having an emotional attachment to someone. **Disclaimer: For some reason (I think it goes back to some childhood issues) I get extremely insecure ONLY when I start to grow feelings for someone. Otherwise any woman I date can tell me pretty much anything.** Now that she’s out of the picture I can stay unattached and keep my feelings in check and to myself.
Around December of 2003, while I was separated from my wife I met someone that I found some interest in. She and I got off to a slow start because I was in the process of a divorce and I wasn’t going to want anything serious for a long time. Well, we ended up getting pretty close. I still dated other girls because of my not wanting to commit but I let her know of that. She kept saying she wanted a relationship with me but I kept turning that idea down; I mean she reeeeally wanted one with me. She kept saying how special I was, how I was the man of her dreams, etc. Eventually I felt close enough to her to get into a relationship and the summer of 2004 I asked her to be my girlfriend, by then I was already divorced. She was ecstatic. That commitment lasted only 2 months. She’d accidentally left her cell phone at my house one night and during a rush of my insecurities I looked through her text messages and call log. It turned out that she’d texted her ex-boyfriend and said that she still loved him and some other guy that she said she’d had a crush on some time back when they’d worked together but all that was over. It was just a little crush that had subsided before she and I even got committed, according to her. The text to him said something along the lines of “What’s up, baby?” and “Ha ha, you know I wore you out the last time.” I was fuckin’ furious. I was able to piece only some of the conversations together from her outgoing and incoming logs but it was enough for me to have enough evidence of her lying to me. The crush guy, it turned out he was married and shit but had all kinda single and married women at work chasing him for affairs and shit and he’d cheat quite often. When she'd started the job he set his sights on her. According to her, he was attractive and shit but she wanted to be with me so she just ignored his advances. Well, when I presented the text messages to her she told me that it was just some bullshit thing to get some other woman off his back at work; they’d just pretended to be messing around through text messages to show the woman at his job that he was already messing with someone else, but she swore damn near on her life that nothing had ever happened between the both of them. As far as telling the ex that she still loved him, she said she was trying to sweet talk him so she could get some money he owed her. I broke off the relationship because I didn’t trust her word no matter how much she swore she didn’t do anything with them. Me being caught up in my emotions with her, I completely ignored enough of that shit to at least continue dating her without commitment. She told me she’d prove to me that she was trust worthy. Another thing that had killed me was that one day I was at her place and I saw a whole bunch of pictures in the trash can. I was like damn, I wonder why she’s throwing them pictures away. I took a look at them and they were a bunch of pictures of niggas she used to mess with… NAKED!!!! I was like “WHAT THA FFFUUUCKK?!!!” Now, the fact that they were in the trash can told me that she was moving on from them but the fact that she’d kept all those pictures during our commitment told me that she’d not moved on from her flings even while we were committed. She said that she’d hid them long ago and that she’d come across them so she decided to throw them away. Okay, I can actually believe that cuz that has actually happened to me. The thing that bugged me was that some of the guys in the pics, she told me she’d never been with them, yet there were pictures of her hugging and kissing one of them at some party and then some after party pics of him in his bedroom completely undressed… but she’d never slept with him. Gimme a fuckin break. Then there was the case of her cousin. At the beginning of us dating she told me about some random convo she’d had with some guy and I asked her who he was to her. She said he was nobody important, he was just her cousin. I accepted it and was like okay. Recently, however, I ran into him through someone else and I asked him about her and he said that they’d met through BlackPlanet and that they weren’t related AND that they’d slept together before as a little fling. After their fling, when they became just friends, he’d even helped her out with some issues. I knew of how he’d helped her out through what she told me but according to her they’d never done anything because they were cousins. I found out that that was her bullshit line to her ex-boyfriend whenever she had male friends; she’d tell him they were her cousins to avoid drama. So how could I believe she wasn’t telling me the same bullshit story?
All of this gets much, much more complicated than what I’ve told you, trust me. I don’t know why I ignored my gut feeling to begin with. Maybe it’s because she and I connected so much on certain issues and my feelings got too caught up. Maybe it was because after my divorce I wanted to believe that I could find someone to love me strongly again. See, although she lied I do believe that she loved me. She was simply scared of losing me to the truth or maybe I was just some other nigga she was gonna play but realized I was a keeper so she tried covering up her tracks with lies on top of lies because the truth was too overbearing to overcome. Anyway, I won’t ignore my gut feeling anymore
Although I’m moving on from her and this situation, a new problem arises. Meeting her a few months after my separation and going through this shit after I’d put so much trust in her has left my faith completely fucked up. I wasn’t in the best condition to get so involved with someone and then finding out how I’d been lied to by this broad puts me in a condition worse then when my ex-wife decided to leave me. I’d fought so many ghosts from my past and so many insecurities to be with this broad. I made some bullshit mistakes here and there during the relationship but I tried to stay as honest as I could. I still don’t think I deserved this. Maybe I just ran into and put too much faith in the wrong person at a very bad time, making this just another bad relationship that I have to overcome but in all honesty, this is enough to make me stay single. I've been exposed enough to women's greed with wanting niggas on the side enough in my life. I’ve never been a big fan of commitment (except when I was deep into my marriage) and this drama that I’ve gone through makes me an even bigger opponent of commitment. I understand that I have to get over this and move on but I just don’t see why I have to commit. I’ll move on but as a permanent bachelor.
This has been a learning experience however. I’ve met countless, literally countless women who have been fed bullshit stories by their men but they ignore what their guts tell them and they keep trying to have faith in those men. Often this is caused by love’s blindness. I have a much, much greater understanding of their plight now. This will be added to the many lessons I’ve learned regarding the things women go through in relationships. Unfortunately, however, instead of using these lessons to become a better mate for a woman, I’m using these lessons to keep me from ever committing again. This is due to the feeling that betrayal causes. It’s just too much pain for me to want to endure. There is one sigh of relief however; I no longer have to deal with the insecurities that come with having an emotional attachment to someone. **Disclaimer: For some reason (I think it goes back to some childhood issues) I get extremely insecure ONLY when I start to grow feelings for someone. Otherwise any woman I date can tell me pretty much anything.** Now that she’s out of the picture I can stay unattached and keep my feelings in check and to myself.
The Saga was recounted at 3:17 AM
1 Narrated Prose:
Man, I second what rock said. I can understand you're feeling hurt and betrayed right now, which you should, and I think your going in the right direction - to a point.
I definitely think you should stay a bachelor for a while unitl you get over these two recent events, but I hope one day you'll be open again to the idea of love. Sorry you had to go through that mess.
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