Maybe I Will Never Really Know What's Love...
As I sit at my desk listening to Vivian Green's 'What is Love', a new topic comes to mind. It's kind of an insecurity. **Side Note: Maaan, I am feelin this song so damn much!!! Talk about groovin at my job** The title of this blog is that insecurity. See, when I think about what love is, the trait that I think of most is that it's eternal, and the thing that bugs me is that I don't see myself receiving or giving that feeling forever. I'm a man of science so I decided to look up what love is, biologically. It turns out that all it is, is some chemicals running around your brain that eventually go away after 2-3 years. After that, what's left? So I've pretty much set a limit on how long I'm going to love and how long someone will love me. That makes me feel hollow inside though.
A part of me wants to believe that love is eternal, but why? Why do I want to believe that? A part of me wants to answer that question. The other is saying to forget about it; guy #1 and guy #2 are fighting again.
**About guy #1 and guy #2 (#'s 35 and 36 on my 100 List):
- Guy #1 is the family man/intellectual side of me. He's the engineer, he's the man with a job. He's the one that provides security. He's the man that believes in giving himself to someone, believes in marriage... and in love. He's the one that a woman would want to marry because he's an ideal provider, father, & husband. He is faithful, loving, caring, and a positive role model.
- Guy #2 is my gangsta side. He believes in hustling, loves the streets, loves gang life, and packs heat. His beliefs are a threat because they can send me to jail but without him, I feel that I have no defense, for he is my aggressive side. He does not want to be held down, does not believe in commitment, considers relationships unnecessary risks that cause more pain than happiness, believes they won't last. He does not trust people nor does he have faith in love. He's safer being single. He's the one a woman does not want to marry but will consider for a fling.
- Life doesn't have as much meaning to guy #2 as it does to guy #1. To guy #2, life is a unanswerable question. Guy #1 has answers that keep him happy in life... but guy #2 doesn't agree with all the answers. Guy #2 hates guy #1; guy #1 doesn't hate anyone.**
Guy #1 believes more in the soul and that's why I want to believe in love's eternity. I remember how my grandmother was with my step-grandfather for years and how she loved him, despite hating men for all the turmoil they'd caused her. When he died, she cried so much. Those tears came straight from her soul. She overcame unimaginable pain, caused by my real grandfather and other men she'd loved, and loved one last time... and he loved her back. She cried REAL tears of love. A part of me believes that I can feel like that one day, that someone will feel that way about me. The other side of me tells me over and over again that it's unlikely, if not impossible to be loved like that. That side reminds me of the growing number of women having affairs (estimated at 40%) and of my encounters with cheating wives and tells me that I'll probably get played eventually. So, because of this side me, armed with these statistics and experiences, I have to deprive the other side of me (the side that believes in love) of love, of the thing that will make him complete. Before my son was born, I always felt a hollowness inside me. After he was born and when I had a family, I felt complete. Now I'm starting to feel that hollowness again. It's not because I miss my ex-wife, for I am completely over her leaving and find myself no longer attracted to her, in body and spirit. It's the disbelief in love that is causing this hollowness. I want to know what it feels like to be eternally "excited to chorus" and feel secure in that feeling.
Lately, I have to admit, I've been made to feel so good... so, so, good. It's not what this woman does for me, it's what she does to me. I've been feeling so good around her and I've been wanting to just see her do her job, socialize with her friends, see her write, see her live her life. I've wanted to listen to her speak, listen to her debate, listen to her humorous words of wisdom. Man, I don't know what it is, but being around her is like listening to music, that music that you can feel going right through you, like Vivian Green's 'What is Love' or like Jill Scott's 'He Loves Me' (except I'd replace the He with a She)...
I'm listening to Vivian Green and she’s got me in this mood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like the music is goin through me and I’m feelin it so damn much… and the vibes that this music gives me, that touch that it gives my soul, when I think of this particular woman… I sumtimes feel that same touch. She's more than a woman to me. When I listen to this music, when I think of her, I sway from side to side, it makes me close my eyes, it puts a smile on my face, it makes my head turn from side to side with the rhythm. It’s almost like I’m getting a massage but I don’t know where… the only thing I can think of is that this must be what it’s like to have one’s soul massaged. This is how this woman is making me feel. I wish I could make her feel what I feel... then again, from what she's expressed, she's already feeling it. Yet......
I won't allow myself to have that special someone by my side. I can't give myself into guy #1's wishes. When I was married he emerged completely and I thought that that was the proper thing to do, the right thing to do. Now, through the eyes of the devil that lives inside me, I see clearly that I'd only be setting myself up again. I used to think I'd be respected as him and was proven otherwise. When I remain single and unnattainable, I get a lot more respect. I get asked over and over again, "Will you be mine?" and as long as the answer remains the same, "No", I stay protected and they stay just as eager as the first day to see me. I'm not left hated because something didn't work out; I am not left abandoned because they realized this wasn't what they wanted or because life has gotten too difficult; I am not left feeling like I wasn't enough because the good times, which they thought would last forever, actually subside after some time, like in all relationships. Most of all, I am not left to fall victim to betrayal.
All these limits that one part of me has placed on my entire being has me thinking that Maybe I Will Never Really Know What's Love... and I feel hollow because of this.
A part of me wants to believe that love is eternal, but why? Why do I want to believe that? A part of me wants to answer that question. The other is saying to forget about it; guy #1 and guy #2 are fighting again.
**About guy #1 and guy #2 (#'s 35 and 36 on my 100 List):
- Guy #1 is the family man/intellectual side of me. He's the engineer, he's the man with a job. He's the one that provides security. He's the man that believes in giving himself to someone, believes in marriage... and in love. He's the one that a woman would want to marry because he's an ideal provider, father, & husband. He is faithful, loving, caring, and a positive role model.
- Guy #2 is my gangsta side. He believes in hustling, loves the streets, loves gang life, and packs heat. His beliefs are a threat because they can send me to jail but without him, I feel that I have no defense, for he is my aggressive side. He does not want to be held down, does not believe in commitment, considers relationships unnecessary risks that cause more pain than happiness, believes they won't last. He does not trust people nor does he have faith in love. He's safer being single. He's the one a woman does not want to marry but will consider for a fling.
- Life doesn't have as much meaning to guy #2 as it does to guy #1. To guy #2, life is a unanswerable question. Guy #1 has answers that keep him happy in life... but guy #2 doesn't agree with all the answers. Guy #2 hates guy #1; guy #1 doesn't hate anyone.**
Guy #1 believes more in the soul and that's why I want to believe in love's eternity. I remember how my grandmother was with my step-grandfather for years and how she loved him, despite hating men for all the turmoil they'd caused her. When he died, she cried so much. Those tears came straight from her soul. She overcame unimaginable pain, caused by my real grandfather and other men she'd loved, and loved one last time... and he loved her back. She cried REAL tears of love. A part of me believes that I can feel like that one day, that someone will feel that way about me. The other side of me tells me over and over again that it's unlikely, if not impossible to be loved like that. That side reminds me of the growing number of women having affairs (estimated at 40%) and of my encounters with cheating wives and tells me that I'll probably get played eventually. So, because of this side me, armed with these statistics and experiences, I have to deprive the other side of me (the side that believes in love) of love, of the thing that will make him complete. Before my son was born, I always felt a hollowness inside me. After he was born and when I had a family, I felt complete. Now I'm starting to feel that hollowness again. It's not because I miss my ex-wife, for I am completely over her leaving and find myself no longer attracted to her, in body and spirit. It's the disbelief in love that is causing this hollowness. I want to know what it feels like to be eternally "excited to chorus" and feel secure in that feeling.
Lately, I have to admit, I've been made to feel so good... so, so, good. It's not what this woman does for me, it's what she does to me. I've been feeling so good around her and I've been wanting to just see her do her job, socialize with her friends, see her write, see her live her life. I've wanted to listen to her speak, listen to her debate, listen to her humorous words of wisdom. Man, I don't know what it is, but being around her is like listening to music, that music that you can feel going right through you, like Vivian Green's 'What is Love' or like Jill Scott's 'He Loves Me' (except I'd replace the He with a She)...
I'm listening to Vivian Green and she’s got me in this mood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like the music is goin through me and I’m feelin it so damn much… and the vibes that this music gives me, that touch that it gives my soul, when I think of this particular woman… I sumtimes feel that same touch. She's more than a woman to me. When I listen to this music, when I think of her, I sway from side to side, it makes me close my eyes, it puts a smile on my face, it makes my head turn from side to side with the rhythm. It’s almost like I’m getting a massage but I don’t know where… the only thing I can think of is that this must be what it’s like to have one’s soul massaged. This is how this woman is making me feel. I wish I could make her feel what I feel... then again, from what she's expressed, she's already feeling it. Yet......
I won't allow myself to have that special someone by my side. I can't give myself into guy #1's wishes. When I was married he emerged completely and I thought that that was the proper thing to do, the right thing to do. Now, through the eyes of the devil that lives inside me, I see clearly that I'd only be setting myself up again. I used to think I'd be respected as him and was proven otherwise. When I remain single and unnattainable, I get a lot more respect. I get asked over and over again, "Will you be mine?" and as long as the answer remains the same, "No", I stay protected and they stay just as eager as the first day to see me. I'm not left hated because something didn't work out; I am not left abandoned because they realized this wasn't what they wanted or because life has gotten too difficult; I am not left feeling like I wasn't enough because the good times, which they thought would last forever, actually subside after some time, like in all relationships. Most of all, I am not left to fall victim to betrayal.
All these limits that one part of me has placed on my entire being has me thinking that Maybe I Will Never Really Know What's Love... and I feel hollow because of this.
The Saga was recounted at 11:15 AM
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