Defense Mechanism Reigns

In a particular blog, Mia commented: damn her! LOL. no, i think it happens to every man. every man gets their heart broken and then, as a defense mechanism (or maybe a reflex), they go buy their pimpin' hat and gator shoes and commence to pimpin'. this usually happens while they are young (late teens, early 20s) but by the time they are in their late 20s-early 30s (maybe later for some men who enjoy pimping a little too much) they realize that they are all pimped out and want to try commitment again. this is just my observation. however, once they realize that they actually have to work at being committed, some men tend to regress back to pimpin' LOL.

I agree but I'm going to try my hardest at staying single forever. A side of me enjoys fighting off love despite how it hurts the other part of me. Everyday I find myself drowning out that part of me more and more and I'm happy to report that soon he'll be near death. I don't think he'll ever die off completely because I need him to help me raise my son, but when it comes to love and commitment, he'll be so supressed that it'll be like he's dead. That will minimize my inner turmoil which will give my life a lot more simplicity and the thought of that brings relief.

OH....MY....GAAAWD!!!!

I HAD CHEESCAKE!!!!! I....HAD...CHEEESECAKE!!! Aw man what a relief it was to finally have some cheescake on my cheat day **I'm allowed one cheat day to deviate from my diet, remember?** It was satisfying but not as satisfying as it could have been. Let me run it down to yall...

Okay, it was a friend's birthday so 8 of us went to Olive Garden (the place that serves the cheeeesecake I love so much) to celebrate. We had the FUNNIEST time. Everyone was crackin' "lightskinnded & skillet" jokes left and right in good humor. We ordered our meals, had a few drinks, made more jokes. I ordered the Veal Parmisan... "mmmm mmm mmm", I thought, "What a great meal for a cheat day". I had it all planned out. I was finally going to have me some cheeeesecake for dessert. First came the meal. My mouth was wetter than a woman gettin ready to be fukked by her favorite soap opera star. Just before my plate reached the table, however, one of the ladies that was celebrating with us mentioned how veal comes from a baby cow. I was just like, "Cool. I've been waiting for my dead baby cow all week. Bring it on." THEN the waitress says, "Yeah, and they keep it locked up in a very small cage all its life to prevent it from moving so the meat can be very tender." I was like, "For real?" Next thing I know, other members at the table are telling me how veal is prepared... from the day it's born. One girl stated, "Can you imagine what it's like? Living your WHOLE (she really put an emphasis on 'whole') life in pain and discomfort just to be slaughtered for tender meat?" I tried my hardest to play it off like I always have but for some reason I couldn't this time. I could not put that in the back of my head. That poor dead calf that lay on my plate. Now, normally I really don't give a muthafukk, but that night I actually felt bad. My stomach was not immune for once. Well, I ended up only taking two bites of dead calf that rested in peace (or should I say, 3 peaces) next to my pasta. I kept saying to myself "Don't let it have died in vain. Eat the poor, tortured, dead calf" but I just couldn't do it. My stomach was already feeling nautious... so I just continued with our jokes and whatnot and having a good time. Every now and then I'd stop with the jokes and stare at my poor, tortured, dead mammal and think that maybe I should name him... name him Henry.... poor Henry...

As if that wasn't enough, I got a lil perturbed when they took the plate away, after asking me if I'd had enough, and I looked that almost all the food was still there. I'd spent damn near 20 bucks on a fukking plate of deceased cow and fancy rammen noodles... FUKK, what a waste of money. Anywayz, dessert time came. Everybody was too full to eat dessert but I'd been waiting for this all week. **SIDE THOUGHT: Maybe I got nautious for a reason. Maybe it was to save room for that cheeeesecake... I tells ya, God works in mysterious ways. END SIDE THOUGHT** A group of waitresses came out singing happy birthday to our friend and guess what kind of cake they brought out... guess!!! Raspberry cheeeesecake...mmmmmmmm. Well, she ended up being too full to eat so she passed it down the table to moi. I tell you, something happened that defied modern physics as we know it. At normal atmospheric pressure and temperature, the delicious raspberry cheesecake literally turned into a gas phase and I inhaled it with one breath. Okay, maybe that didn't literally happen but it might as well have. I took that fukkin cake down like it was Sanaa Lathan butt naked on my bed next to a baby oiled Eva Mendes. The thing is, although it tasted good at that very moment, the nausea that was in my stomach prevented that feeling of euphoria to last. It was like being pulled over by the cops when you're in the middle of being high, you lose that shit quick as the fukk. I don't know, but I'm bout ready to go again and get me some more cheeeesecake this weekend. This time though, I won't order the veal... in fact, I don't think I'll order veal ever again. From here on out, it's gonna be chicken, cuz at least I've seen in documentaries how they're slaughtered and I've developed an immunity to that.

This time it's for good

I got's to say goodbye to you peeps. I wanted a blog because I wanted to post some of the things I felt that keep my mind stressed but it's hard to do that given the circumstances. From time to time we feel things that don't make sense and we and others get caught up in the heat that emerges from our complicated situations. So we resort to venting what we feel in diaries, journals, and blogs. Unfortunately I can't do that here. Anywayz, I can't help but to feel that I grew a connection with you folks on blogger. I'll miss connecting with yall. I'll miss making and getting comments and exchanging points of views on matters that affect us in our everyday living. Thanx for the good time everyone. I'll miss yall.

props and adios to:
CBreezy
Jonetsu
Soulfularies
Humanity Critic
G Perspective
Mia
NeoDes
Brutha-Free
BruthaCode
Dayrell
RockOnLock
SilentBird
and various others I've visited and that have visited me. Thanx for your advice when I needed it and thanx for sharing parts of your lives with me. Peace, yall.

Diggs, I'm sorry for the drama that took place. I never wanted you to get caught up in such bullshit.

TheSaga (aka Rydah)

Reminded of memories

I decided to hit my ol' hood tonight and see what some of my homies were up to. They were smokin some strong azz weed called AK47 and drinking. I decided to take down a few beers and chill with them for a while. Man, they brought up some ol' shit I'd forgotten all about...

Reminiscence 1) One of my boys reminded me of how when a friend of mine was owed some money I made a phone call to the dude who owed the loot and told him he better pay up. The dude said he wasn't giving anybody no money. I then replied by saying "If my peoples don't get their money..." then I shot my gun over the phone and hung up. I was ready to go after that nigga as a favor to my friend. I ended up not needing to escalate the shit though.

Reminiscence 2) One day I was driving down one of the busier streets down my neighborhood and some dudes looked like they were talking shit because I was taking too long in passing them by so they could go (one of the lanes was blocked off for some minor construction). I got pissed and ran into my house and picked up two guns, a .380 and .45. I ran into my boy who lived down the street and told him real quick to jump in the car. He jumped in, I put the .380 on his lap, and told him I was going to see what them muthafuckas were talking shit about. I told him I needed him to cover me and pop them niggas if shit went down. He said cool. We went ridin' around looking for them but never found them. I ended up going back to my house and gettin my boy high on some fire weed in gratitude for having my back. There were several times where one of us got into some shit so we'd have to get whatever friends we could muster and ride with a car full of guns and shit. Man, I'm so surprised we're not in jail for some of the shit we pulled off on those nights.

Reminiscence 3) My boys were crackin' up at how we'd be in my back yard drinkin and gettin high while poppin my gun when we were teenagers.

They kept talking about how crazy I used to be. I just stood back and laughed at all the stories of the crazy shit we used to do. The thing is I felt like my appearance tonight added some irony to the stories. They're talking about how we did all that crazy shit together and I'm standing there in business casual attire with glasses on looking like some muhfucka that works downtown and shit. One would never have suspected I had that past from the way I looked tonight. From the dope sales, to the beefs, to damn near gettin killed sometimes we had us a damn good time that could have landed us in jail or in a coffin. Back then none of us, not a single one figured we'd be alive right now. I know it's crazy shit to laugh at but I gotta say, in some twisted way thinking back to those days puts a smile on my face.

I've been betrayed

I feel a bit hung over right now. After I found out that someone I'd been dating for well over a year had been lying to me I decided to take down a few glasses of Jack and Coke. I might not go into complete detail because the story is more complicated than I care to explain. Here goes…

Around December of 2003, while I was separated from my wife I met someone that I found some interest in. She and I got off to a slow start because I was in the process of a divorce and I wasn’t going to want anything serious for a long time. Well, we ended up getting pretty close. I still dated other girls because of my not wanting to commit but I let her know of that. She kept saying she wanted a relationship with me but I kept turning that idea down; I mean she reeeeally wanted one with me. She kept saying how special I was, how I was the man of her dreams, etc. Eventually I felt close enough to her to get into a relationship and the summer of 2004 I asked her to be my girlfriend, by then I was already divorced. She was ecstatic. That commitment lasted only 2 months. She’d accidentally left her cell phone at my house one night and during a rush of my insecurities I looked through her text messages and call log. It turned out that she’d texted her ex-boyfriend and said that she still loved him and some other guy that she said she’d had a crush on some time back when they’d worked together but all that was over. It was just a little crush that had subsided before she and I even got committed, according to her. The text to him said something along the lines of “What’s up, baby?” and “Ha ha, you know I wore you out the last time.” I was fuckin’ furious. I was able to piece only some of the conversations together from her outgoing and incoming logs but it was enough for me to have enough evidence of her lying to me. The crush guy, it turned out he was married and shit but had all kinda single and married women at work chasing him for affairs and shit and he’d cheat quite often. When she'd started the job he set his sights on her. According to her, he was attractive and shit but she wanted to be with me so she just ignored his advances. Well, when I presented the text messages to her she told me that it was just some bullshit thing to get some other woman off his back at work; they’d just pretended to be messing around through text messages to show the woman at his job that he was already messing with someone else, but she swore damn near on her life that nothing had ever happened between the both of them. As far as telling the ex that she still loved him, she said she was trying to sweet talk him so she could get some money he owed her. I broke off the relationship because I didn’t trust her word no matter how much she swore she didn’t do anything with them. Me being caught up in my emotions with her, I completely ignored enough of that shit to at least continue dating her without commitment. She told me she’d prove to me that she was trust worthy. Another thing that had killed me was that one day I was at her place and I saw a whole bunch of pictures in the trash can. I was like damn, I wonder why she’s throwing them pictures away. I took a look at them and they were a bunch of pictures of niggas she used to mess with… NAKED!!!! I was like “WHAT THA FFFUUUCKK?!!!” Now, the fact that they were in the trash can told me that she was moving on from them but the fact that she’d kept all those pictures during our commitment told me that she’d not moved on from her flings even while we were committed. She said that she’d hid them long ago and that she’d come across them so she decided to throw them away. Okay, I can actually believe that cuz that has actually happened to me. The thing that bugged me was that some of the guys in the pics, she told me she’d never been with them, yet there were pictures of her hugging and kissing one of them at some party and then some after party pics of him in his bedroom completely undressed… but she’d never slept with him. Gimme a fuckin break. Then there was the case of her cousin. At the beginning of us dating she told me about some random convo she’d had with some guy and I asked her who he was to her. She said he was nobody important, he was just her cousin. I accepted it and was like okay. Recently, however, I ran into him through someone else and I asked him about her and he said that they’d met through BlackPlanet and that they weren’t related AND that they’d slept together before as a little fling. After their fling, when they became just friends, he’d even helped her out with some issues. I knew of how he’d helped her out through what she told me but according to her they’d never done anything because they were cousins. I found out that that was her bullshit line to her ex-boyfriend whenever she had male friends; she’d tell him they were her cousins to avoid drama. So how could I believe she wasn’t telling me the same bullshit story?

All of this gets much, much more complicated than what I’ve told you, trust me. I don’t know why I ignored my gut feeling to begin with. Maybe it’s because she and I connected so much on certain issues and my feelings got too caught up. Maybe it was because after my divorce I wanted to believe that I could find someone to love me strongly again. See, although she lied I do believe that she loved me. She was simply scared of losing me to the truth or maybe I was just some other nigga she was gonna play but realized I was a keeper so she tried covering up her tracks with lies on top of lies because the truth was too overbearing to overcome. Anyway, I won’t ignore my gut feeling anymore

Although I’m moving on from her and this situation, a new problem arises. Meeting her a few months after my separation and going through this shit after I’d put so much trust in her has left my faith completely fucked up. I wasn’t in the best condition to get so involved with someone and then finding out how I’d been lied to by this broad puts me in a condition worse then when my ex-wife decided to leave me. I’d fought so many ghosts from my past and so many insecurities to be with this broad. I made some bullshit mistakes here and there during the relationship but I tried to stay as honest as I could. I still don’t think I deserved this. Maybe I just ran into and put too much faith in the wrong person at a very bad time, making this just another bad relationship that I have to overcome but in all honesty, this is enough to make me stay single. I've been exposed enough to women's greed with wanting niggas on the side enough in my life. I’ve never been a big fan of commitment (except when I was deep into my marriage) and this drama that I’ve gone through makes me an even bigger opponent of commitment. I understand that I have to get over this and move on but I just don’t see why I have to commit. I’ll move on but as a permanent bachelor.

This has been a learning experience however. I’ve met countless, literally countless women who have been fed bullshit stories by their men but they ignore what their guts tell them and they keep trying to have faith in those men. Often this is caused by love’s blindness. I have a much, much greater understanding of their plight now. This will be added to the many lessons I’ve learned regarding the things women go through in relationships. Unfortunately, however, instead of using these lessons to become a better mate for a woman, I’m using these lessons to keep me from ever committing again. This is due to the feeling that betrayal causes. It’s just too much pain for me to want to endure. There is one sigh of relief however; I no longer have to deal with the insecurities that come with having an emotional attachment to someone. **Disclaimer: For some reason (I think it goes back to some childhood issues) I get extremely insecure ONLY when I start to grow feelings for someone. Otherwise any woman I date can tell me pretty much anything.** Now that she’s out of the picture I can stay unattached and keep my feelings in check and to myself.

I got that feeling

Today as I drove home after picking up my son I got this feeling that I haven't felt in a very long time. I actually missed family life.

I used to be married to my son's mother and I remember going home to my family; I'd go home and my wife and I would hold each other in the middle of our living room. My son would then walk up to both of us and squeeze in between our legs so he could be part of the hug. My ex-wife and I would look down at his smiling face then we'd look at each other and kiss. I have to say I felt complete on those days. I had a home, a family, and I was comfortable. I'd eat the dinner that she'd prepared, then we'd play with our toddler son. Later on in the evening we'd put our son to bed and retreat to our bedroom and watch TV. When we started to get a little sleepy we'd start caressing each other, make love, and hold each other until we'd fall asleep. After we started having problems I began to miss my single life especially since she'd withdrawn herself so much from me. After she left and I realized she wasn't coming back, that feeling of comfort, of security disappeared. I've not felt it for almost 2 years now, not until this night. Ever since then and up until this very night I've been very comfortable with my single life; I've loved it. For some unexplainable reason however, I relapsed slightly into feeling those old feelings again. They weren't feelings of love for my ex-wife because I no longer love her nor do I miss her; she'd disrespected me entirely too much behind my back for me to trust her or feel safe with handing her my emotions. It's the feeling of closeness that I missed, the feeling of security.

I figured I'd document this feeling because it's rare that I cherish this feeling. In fact for almost two years I've been fighting it. I've learned that it's much more feasible that I depend solely on myself and to not trust anyone with my feelings ever since she left but I had to write about this. Whenever anyone would talk about wishing they'd have someone to go home to I'd always wonder why. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to come home to someone you trust fully. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to hold that special someone. I'd completely forgotten what it was like to make love to someone so special that you felt like you were merging as one when you were together intimately... and sometimes making love wasn't enough, you wanted to be in that person's soul to feel complete; you wanted to be that person. I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to feel so complete, like everything was where it was supposed to be... like money didn't matter, like material things were obsolete, like there were no problems in the world, like all danger ceased to exist once you entered your home fortified with the shield of your family's love.

I don't know what was so special about tonight but I'm glad I felt what I felt because I'd almost forgotten how to cherish that feeling called love and in the security that it creates. It felt so warm to feel it again even though I no longer have it. I don't know what was so special about tonight... but maybe God just wanted to show me something. Maybe he wanted to save me just before I'd fallen out with that feeling He keeps saying we should cherish.

This one is for Danza

When I was 11 I moved in with my father. His neighborhood was a much better neighborhood than my mom’s and he had a much more comfortable house. I was in supposedly better surroundings. There were no gangs, less crime, less kids getting into trouble, the school was better, etc. I wore the same raggedy clothes I wore to my old school, where I blended in fine because everyone was poor there. At the new school the kids had nice shit and started raggin’ on me almost from jump.

At my new school, called Solis, there was this skinny, dark skinned kid that gave the teachers a very hard time. His name was Danza. He defied them in every way possible. It scared me and intrigued me at the same time whenever he’d show his boldness. I remember when we had a speaker in class Danza was spinning his metal scissors on the desk making all kind of noise while everyone else kept quiet. Our teacher came behind him and tried to take the scissors away and he snatched them back from her. They were at a tug of war with those stupid little things. He screamed at her, “These are my scissors!!!” and she told him to hand them over to her. The speaker had to stop talking and all eyes were on them. She eventually took the scissors and sent him to the principal’s office. He was always getting in fights, arguments, defying all authority including the police, and one day he just didn’t come back to school. I don’t know if he’d been expelled, or if his family had moved, nothing. All I knew is he was gone. In looking back at his behavior, it’s obvious that he was either born with a behavior problem or there was something very wrong at home. His behavior was a sign that he was headed for jail or death at a very young age.

I hated the new school because I had absolutely no friends. Everyone messed with me there… everyone except Danza. He eventually started standing up for me. He’d tell the other kids to shut up, or include me in an activity when I was alone, or he’d make some time and talk to me when I was sitting alone while the other kids got in their cliques. I remember I was very quiet despite his friendliness. I don’t know why I stayed shy. He persisted in talking to me and standing up for me though. I remember one day for P.E. the kids were picking teams and everyone was getting picked but me; I wasn’t exactly in the best shape nor did I have any skills at sports. Before I was the last kid in the crowd to get picked he came up to me and said “We’ll take THE SAGA,” even though he wasn’t the one choosing the team members. He forced his decision on the team and they didn’t defy him. While they kept picking he took me aside and explained to me the rules of touch football and showed me which way to run whenever the ball was thrown my way. Whenever he’d get the ball he’d give it to me and tell me to run and I’d run with all my might. I’d still get touched for the tackle shortly afterwards but he didn’t care that I wasn’t scoring points. He was just making sure I’d stay in the game. On the days that he wasn’t at school I’d get ragged on and I’d go home and cry or just sit at the edge of my bed and stare out into space wondering why I had to go through all that shit. Sometimes I’d lighten up though because I’d say to myself, “It’s cool cuz Danza’s my friend.” I found comfort in his friendship… it was pretty much the only comfort I had in elementary school. I think back to how much he helped me and it bothers me now whenever I think that he may have been fighting some malevolent demons at home as a child.
When he stopped coming to school, I didn’t realize it for a few days. I didn’t ask about it or anything because I didn’t care to talk to anyone. It bothered me though because now I didn’t have anyone to help me against the other kids. I wondered if he was coming back, where he was, if he was okay, or if he’d been arrested. I still wonder these things; I wonder if he’s gotten his life together or if he met the dreadful fate that seemed to be awaiting him.

This kid, Danza… he may have been a demon in most people’s eyes because of all the trouble he caused, but he was an angel to me. I don’t know what he saw in me to stand up for me so much; all I can say is that God must have put him there for me. I realize that the tribulations I faced were there to teach me humility and Danza must have been brought into my life to create some kind of balance. Without him there I don’t think I would have been able to keep my sanity. I thank God for Danza. I wish I knew where he was so I could tell him thanks for saving me.

So, I sit here and say this to Danza (wherever he may be) with all the sincerity my heart has to offer: Thanks for standing up for me. Thanks for helping me keep my head up. Thanks for helping me save what was left of my self esteem. Thank you for coming into my life, even if it was for just a few months. You were my guardian angel.